Did you know that the only age group with growing divorce rates is people over the age of 65, an event termed, a “gray divorce” (Brown & Lin, 2012)? The rapid acceleration in gray divorce coupled with the aging of the married population means that a growing share of divorces in the U.S. occurs with middle-aged and older adults.Whereas only 8% of all persons divorcing in 1990 were aged 50 or older, today the share is nearly 40% (Brown et al., 2024). There are many factors that are influencing this trend, but one of the most important is the destigmatization of divorce, allowing longtime couples to conclude that they do not need to stay in an unhappy marriage for the rest of their lives.
This may come as a surprise to many younger people, who like to think that their families are beyond the “danger zone” of such a major life upheaval, but they would be wrong. Additionally, no one should underestimate the significant impact that a gray divorce can have on adult children. The decision to separate later in life often brings unintended consequences. This does not mean that older parents should remain in unhappy situations, but only that these parents should be mindful of how their adult children may be impacted.
Many parents of a certain age believe that a divorce at this time of life should have very little impact on their adult children, other than intensifying the logistical details around family gatherings. They may, in fact, have been waiting for the children to leave home before separating for that very reason, and are relieved to tell themselves that their adult children’s emotional well-being is one less thing to worry about as they navigate the dissolution of perhaps a decades long partnership. Expectations from society that adult children will be okay and can more easily “roll with it” have reinforced that sentiment. However, adult children can face deep and meaningful crises over these late-in-life divorces, and due to the length of time the family has been intact, the losses can feel even more profound. Questioning their identity is commonplace: “was my whole childhood a lie?” Happy family memories often feel tainted, and a certain degree of cynicism toward parents and family life in general can start to set in.
It is crucial that couples with adult children who decide to separate make time to check in with them in meaningful ways, on multiple occasions. While divorce at this stage can bring with it a new sense of freedom and optimism for the future for some parents, they must remember that their children will be grieving, no matter their age; it can be a loss of epic proportion and cannot be resolved with one conversation. As people age and mature, and possibly raise children of their own, they naturally reflect more and more frequently on their past and the everyday events of their childhood, good or bad. This nostalgia plays an important role in the ability to find or create their own happiness, and the nagging thought that parents may have been secretly miserable throughout their upbringing can be a heavy burden.
To mitigate this negative fallout, there are positive steps that parents and adult children can take. Most importantly, open communication between the generations is key. That does not mean that parents should overshare details of the marriage or what led to its dissolution with their children. Whatever their age, the children do not need (or want) to know specifics. It also does not mean a parent should lean too heavily on their child for emotional support just because they are an adult, or “tattle” on one another’s transgressions; parents need to seek out their friends, family and mental health professionals to meet those needs. As with younger children, adult children should never be tasked with the primary emotional caretaking role of helping a parent through a divorce.
Open communication means that parents are aware that their divorce is affecting their children and are asking pointed questions and listening to their children’s feelings about their separation without ignoring, dismissing or becoming defensive. This is not a one-and-done conversation; it’s a style of communication that has positive effects for all parties. Just being heard helps humans heal, and parents showing genuine, sincere concern for their adult child’s emotional well-being can go a long way. And wherever possible, it means that parents are trying to reassure their children that they too have some happy memories of their years together and that there were many joyful family moments that they still cherish.
For adult children, taking steps toward self-preservation is key. Learning how to set and hold boundaries with loved ones in terms of what behaviors they will or will not tolerate can be challenging but worth the effort. While the instinct may be to protect the feelings of aging parents and not increase their emotional load, hiding their pain or discomfort from their parents will affect the quality of their relationship as well as their own mental health. Of course, not all parents are open to heart-to-heart conversations, but, when possible, it’s worth trying. Also, firmly but lovingly pointing out early on when a parent is oversharing, or blaming, or leaning too hard for emotional support can go a long way in encouraging a respectful relationship between the generations. Suggesting that parents seek support from a professional may be warranted, and setting the example by seeking professional support for themselves may help. Boundary setting is a skill that can be learned and practiced, and understanding the far-reaching effects that divorce can have on their mental health, their relationships with their own partners and/or their parenting style with their own children is a gift that keeps on giving.