by Mary M. Swann, Associate Director, Kids First Center

Here at the Kids First Center, an agency whose mission is to lessen the negative impact of divorce and parental separation on kids, we talk with parents every day who are dealing with one of the most stressful life events they will ever encounter.  They worry about how they’ll get through the next week, month or year, and they worry about the long-term effects of their decisions on the kids.  What do we tell parents? Keep your kids out of the middle and away from prolonged conflict.  It’s not divorce or separation that harms kids so much as the toxic stress of living with years of negativity and discord between parents who aren’t co-parenting effectively.  And now, recent scientific discoveries reinforce just how damaging chronic exposure to stress hormones early in life can be.

Scientists at MDI Biological Laboratory in Bar Harbor, Maine, are now studying exactly how stress incites inflammation in the body and, in turn, disease.  A comprehensive study conducted by Kaiser Permanente and the CDC in the late 1990’s proved the relationship between chronic stress early in life caused by Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) and health problems associated with inflammation and immune dysfunction that developed in adulthood.  These adverse childhood experiences were identified as physical, emotional or sexual abuse; physical, emotional neglect; parental mental illness; parental substance dependence; parental incarceration; parental separation or divorce; and domestic violence.  When they surveyed over 17,000 adults and asked about their childhoods, a strong correlation was discovered between those with the highest ACE scores, meaning those who had experienced the most adversity in their childhood, and those with the most disease in adulthood.

Renowned pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris, in her 2014 TEDMED Talk, tells us that many people look at this data and say, “Come on. You have a rough childhood, you’re more likely to drink and smoke and do all these things that are going to ruin your health. This isn’t science. This is just bad behavior.”  But the truth is, Harris tells us, even if people don’t engage in any high-risk behavior, they’re still more likely to develop heart and lung disease, cancer, diabetes, hepatitis, suicidality, etc., if they experienced chronic stress in their childhood. Why is that?

In times of stress, our body gets a signal to release stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol, which initiates the pounding heart, dilated pupils and open airways that prepare us to do battle in a classic fight-or-flight response. However, Harris explains, when this system is continuously activated and C-reactive protein levels are constantly elevated, as is the case for children living in the chronically stressful environments mentioned above, it may become health-damaging. Children are especially vulnerable because their brains and bodies are still developing. “High doses of adversity not only affect developing brain structure and function, they affect the developing immune system, developing hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA is read and transcribed,” says Harris.

Thankfully, not all divorces and separations involve “high doses of adversity.”  But the sad truth is that far too many still do. Our kids are not only reacting emotionally when they overhear us fighting or badmouthing their other parent, rolling our eyes, slamming phones or refusing to communicate altogether. Our kids are reacting physically as well, their bodies flooding with stress hormones that have a cumulative effect and, we now know, can cause them serious health problems years down the road in their adult life.

​Dr. Robert Block, the former President of the American Academy of Pediatrics, believes that “adverse childhood experiences are the single greatest unaddressed public health threat facing our nation today.”  The potential to harm our children’s future health is real. What can be done to prevent these dire outcomes for our kids? Medical screening, individual and family counseling, support groups, co-parenting education, meditation and exercise all have a role to play in the prevention, identification and treatment of toxic stress in children.  At Kids First, we work with kids in support groups where we give them tools for coping with stress and alleviating the physical symptoms that often accompany their emotional responses to tense family situations.  We work with parents every week in our more intensive programs who are committed to their children’s future health and are working hard to learn ways to prevent future high-conflict interactions with one another. While they know that they can’t undo their mistakes, they understand that they can prevent further harm and are determined not to negatively impact their children’s lifelong health and well-being.

By Mary M. Swann, Associate Director of Kids First Center, a non-profit agency that works to lessen the negative impact of divorce and separation on children
 
Congratulations to all the hard working parents who are managing to raise their kids together while living separately - you made it through the school year!  Homework is done, afterschool activities have concluded, end of year celebrations and performances are behind you and everyone’s doing OK.  Now the real fun begins!  

Many of us operate under the illusion that with summer comes a more relaxed timetable for the whole family, but oftentimes the frantic pace of morning and afternoon drop-offs and pick-ups and arranging care schedules has just been magnified.  That plan you and your co-parent worked so hard to create and stick to during the school year just changed dramatically; please take a moment to acknowledge that you may ALL require a little time to adjust to this next transition.   While it’s true that parents are not generally allowed the luxury of a full-blown morning meltdown like the kids will undoubtedly be treating you to soon when they decide they hate soccer camp or don’t want to spend another boring day at grandma’s, you ARE allowed to take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back for keeping your cool when the heat’s turned up!  (It may help to stick your head in the freezer for a moment or two).

As co-parents, you have made all the complicated advance arrangements for your kids’ care during the summer months that you can, and if you’ve managed to create a plan that covers every day of every week, congratulations again!  For most, chances are good that there is a hole or two in your schedule which you just have to believe will get figured out as time unfolds.  Perhaps kids are between camps or your daycare is on vacation?  Whatever the challenge, this is the part where the strength of your co-parenting relationship will be put to the test, and your willingness and ability to be flexible and forgiving – as well as, perhaps, your employer’s - will be your key to success. 

Sometimes co-parents can get so caught up in what’s laid out in the divorce agreement, or what’s fair in terms of who gets to spend more time with the kids or who is expected to find fill-in care for them when plans fall through, that they lose sight of their common goal.  And it’s that common goal of raising happy, healthy and well-adjusted children who are shielded as much as possible from the responsibilities and problems of adulthood that should serve as your guide when faced with the inevitable logistical challenges of summer supervision.

At this time, it’s always important to remind parents that your kids didn’t ask for this.  That is not said as an admonishment, but merely a gentle reminder that children deserve to be as far away from any discord over schedule wrangling as possible and don’t need any reminders that their parents don’t see eye to eye on every subject.  Children of divorce and separation are well aware of this fact, and, like all kids, prefer to operate under the assumption that their parents’ world revolves around them and their needs and whatever challenges kids may present, their parents will figure out how to handle because they’re the adults. 
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So, deep breaths.  Think ahead, be mindful of how hard transitions can be and how parents as well as children need time to adjust to change; make room for self-care, and for those inevitable moments of breakdown.  But also think back.  Remember the summers of your youth.  If you were lucky enough to have some carefree ones, chances are pretty high that it’s because your parents – whether they were living together or apart - made you believe that they had everything under control (even if their heads were occasionally in the freezer) and you were free to luxuriate in the self-centeredness that is childhood and that allowed each and every one of you the freedom needed to grow and discover who you truly are.

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PORTLAND, Maine – Nicolle (Nici) Carbone, Esq. has been hired as the new Executive Director of the Kids First Center, a local non-profit agency that has been focusing on helping children and parents cope with the effects of separation and divorce since its founding in 1998.

Nici comes to Kids First with a wealth of relevant experience. With a law degree, as well as a Masters degree in marriage and family therapy, she offers a deep understanding and appreciation for the two professions that originally came together and founded the Center.  Providing educational and collaborative opportunities for attorneys and mental health professionals around the complex legal and emotional issues surrounding divorce and separation is an important tenet of the Kids First mission. 

“This is a very exciting time for the Kids First Center,” says Kimberly Kump, Chair of the Board of Directors. “Nici is a welcome addition to our agency, and we are confident that under her leadership, Kids First will carry on our mission of helping children thrive by supporting families throughout the state of Maine who are facing the painful challenges of divorce and separation. Our founding Executive Director, Peg Libby, leaves a legacy at the Center and we feel strongly that Nici is the right person to move us forward upon Peg’s retirement in May.”

Nici’s interest in both family work and the legal world have helped to bring her to the Kids First Center team.  Nici has extensive experience with children and families, and particularly, a deep concern for the plight of children in difficult family situations.

“I am passionate about improving the experiences of children in our community,” says Carbone. “The separation and divorce of a child’s parents can be one of the most trying, and often traumatic, experiences of one’s life. The Kids First Center helps children and parents address and process the grief, loss, and myriad range of emotions that come with this changing family dynamic. The Center also supports children by assisting their separating parents in putting their Kids First. I couldn’t be more honored to be part of such an important organization.”

Nici was trained in marriage and family therapy by The Family Clinic at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven, CT, where she obtained her Masters degree, and with Milford Youth and Family Services in Milford, CT, where she interned. Prior to and during this time, she spent several years working with domestic violence agencies in Connecticut and Florida, both as a community/professional educator and a child advocate. Nici then received her Juris Doctor degree from the University of Maine School of Law. While at Maine Law, she worked at and was a student attorney for the Cumberland Legal Aid Clinic, was an extern with the Office of the Attorney General, Child Protection Division, and was a recipient of a Public Service scholarship to intern with Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA), where she also volunteered as a Guardian ad litem. Following law school, Nici worked as a Guardian and eventually became part of the staff at CASA, assisting volunteer Guardians in child abuse and neglect cases for the State of Maine Judicial Branch.

Nici has developed her administrative, leadership, and staff/volunteer management expertise in nonprofit and governmental organizations. Most recently, while working for the American Heart Association, Nici worked with hundreds of dedicated volunteers, not only to raise awareness about heart disease and stroke, but to raise approximately 1.5 million dollars for essential research and prevention education. She has left her position as a Manager at the Maine Judicial Branch to join Kids First, where for three years she supervised two departments, oversaw several major policy changes, and managed the implementation of a new digital technology system for the courts.

Nici is passionate about education as a tool for growth. She has taught students from grammar school to college, has co-facilitated psycho-educational batterer intervention groups, and is a professional ice skating coach, working with figure skating and hockey students for almost 30 years. She obtained her Bachelors degrees in Arts and Education at the University of Prince Edward Island, Canada.

In her spare time, Nici likes to travel, spend time with friends and family, read a great book, see a great film, and most importantly, spend time with her dog and her husband.
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By Mary M. Swann, Associate Director of Kids First, and Amy Reynolds, group facilitator

Many of you have expressed curiosity about what exactly goes on in the after-school support groups we run here at the Kids First Center. Parents frequently share with us how much their children looked forward to coming each week (after their initial reticence, which is common), and kids tell us how much we’ve helped them “get things out.”  Read on to hear a first-hand account of this group experience from one of our wonderful group facilitators, Amy Reynolds. (Amy works at Day One as an Adolescent Substance Abuse Counselor and also with Cumberland County Crisis Response.  Her parents divorced when she was a young adult).

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What does the first session (week 1) of your 6-week kids group look like?
Many of the kids report being nervous and not wanting to come to the group. They often are very quiet and eager to learn what the group is going to be like. They warm up rather quickly when they can relate to a few of their peers and participate in some ice breakers. Usually by the end of the class they are much more outgoing and future planning for the next session.

How does the demeanor of the kids change over the course of the six weeks?
I find that it takes the first two weeks to build trust and rapport, but many of the kids who were initially very quiet have usually become equally participatory. In my experience, there is often one kid in the group who can get more wiggly than the rest, but this distraction frequently helps those who are more quiet feel better about sharing something in hopes of trying to relate.

What kinds of activities do you do?
Most popular are making masks, playing games like forced choice, the arts and crafts of making t-shirts and bugs. I even tried a game show one day where they made their own nicknames. The kids also do enjoy the snacks and anticipated pizza party!

Are there common themes in the things that kids typically want to talk about?
The kids mostly want to talk about the impact of parents fighting, the difficulties of travelling between two houses, wanting to be with one parent more than the other, and the fear around parents starting to date.

How do you address these issues?
Much of the work is getting the kids to name their fears and concerns instead of wearing the mask of being “Happy” about the divorce. Many fear telling their parents how they feel about the divorce because they don’t want to upset parents who appear to already be upset. Also reiterating many times that divorce is never their fault.

Do you feel like the kids respond differently hearing these things from a neutral source?
Yes, they have said that they have a hard time believing parents because they fear they are just trying to make them feel better, and they refer to conversations they’ve overheard. They also talk about the pressure that they feel having to be the go-between with their parents, and feel pressured to take sides. The group setting with their peers provides a place to just feel and think without the pressures and fears of disappointing or hurting anyone.

How do the kids benefit from interacting with their peers in the group? 
They don’t feel quite so alone, as if they are the only ones going through this hard time.  It really helps to relate to other kids their own age. I feel like when one has the courage to say something heavy and honest in group, there is a domino effect of others wanting to release a feeling or a thought. It can be very powerful.
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What kind of closure is there at the end of the six weeks?
The kids participate in a Pizza Party and recap of the group. I had the kids make positive comments/messages to each peer to put in their decorated coping skills jar on the last day. Some kids decided to give other kids their phone numbers. Some kids choose to repeat groups, which we welcome.

In the 17 years that I have worked here at the Kids First Center, I have talked with thousands of parents, sat in on countless workshops and meetings and read endless facilitators’ program notes.  I can say with absolute confidence from these years of observation that the most commonly recurring theme and biggest hurdle parents face when it comes to moving on after divorce centers around the concept of forgiveness.  In fact, one of the workshops that we offer here at Kids First on a regular basis focuses on this very idea, for obvious reasons.
 
I’m sure that this is not a revelation to you; any image you can conjure up of a divorced couple brings with it an assumption that one or both parties behaved or is behaving badly, and one or both parties is upset about it. Conflict ensues. Grudges are held. No one moves on.
 
To many, the mere mention of the word “forgiveness” in such a scenario suggests surrender; forgetting or condoning the wrongs that were perpetrated against us; in essence, becoming a doormat.  But this is truly not the idea behind the term.  Particularly in the context of divorce and separation, forgiveness represents, instead, a form of acceptance of the things one cannot change and a way of releasing oneself from the negative and destructive pattern of constantly reliving the hurt.  In the words of Italian psychiatrist Roberto Assagioli, “Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”  And it is stuck in this vortex that, understandably, is where we meet far too many parents here at Kids First.
 
Sadly, aside from the obvious negative side effects of harboring long term resentments, such as the inability to ever achieve true internal peace and harmony, there is also the less frequently addressed consequence of modeling unhealthy behaviors for our children.  As any parent knows, though our children may seem to be tuning us out, they are, no matter what their age, actually acutely aware of our emotional states and learning how to manage their own life’s ups and downs by observing the coping mechanisms of their parents.  Do we really want them to see us as victims, as the walking wounded who, if not for the wrongs perpetrated against us by that person who happens to be their other parent, might be able to attain true happiness and fulfillment?
 
Forgiveness is an empowering process. Letting go often takes forgiving ourselves as well as our former partners. But we also become open and vulnerable when we forgive, which is always scary.  Can we make it happen simply by pronouncing “I forgive”? Simply by wanting it?  And should we make it happen because others need us to do it?  How do we achieve this state, this perspective, this practice? To quote ‘Kite Runner’ author Khaled Hosseini, “I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded. Not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering it’s things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.” 
 
In truth, being reminded of and truly believing how much our children require us to be emotionally strong and healthy and present is quite often just exactly the cattle prod we need to make that New Year’s Resolution to start looking at our lives and our relationships just a bit more critically. In 2016, let’s vow to seek out the resources we need to help us achieve this worthy goal, one small step at a time.
 
Forgiveness & Letting Go of the Past
Presenter: Tricia Weyand, LCPC
Monday, January 11, 2016

Plan, plan, plan
Family celebrations and holiday events are ripe with emotions and expectations, running the gamut from eager anticipation to dread.  In addition, separated families need to deal with endless logistical and personal complications. There is no easy way out, and there is no right answer, but planning and predictability will help kids cope.

Begin early and be specific 
Separating parents take a positive step toward re-stabilizing family rituals by planning for them up front, when they begin writing out their separation plans.   Successful holiday schedules cannot be left until the holiday is close at hand. Kids want to know what to expect year after year at holiday time.  They are comforted to repeat a pattern.  New rituals replace old ones, but a ritual never develops if it needs to be renegotiated every year.   Specific and detailed holiday plans will provide kids with the security of knowing they have a plan they can count on.   Even the most amicable separation is benefited by a written document containing specific holiday details, confirmed and finalized by the parents.

Include the kids 
Despite occasional complaints to the contrary, kids want their parents to be in charge of major decisions.  However, they also want to have a voice in decisions that concern their happiness, and they want that voice to be heard.  Based upon the ages of the kids, parents are wise to include kids in discussions of new holiday traditions, while making it clear that the final decision will be up to the parents.     
        
Be open and flexible
Though parents are urged to specify a very detailed schedule for holiday events, it is also unrealistic to block out the possibility of changes.  A schedule for a 2 year old is likely to be inappropriate for a 13 year old.  Step-families and new partners may be part of future holidays and adjustments will be required.  However, the same rules of planning, specificity, predictability and inclusion of kids apply. 

Tips

• Tip #1: Alternate Holidays: If mom has the kids on Thanksgiving, dad can have them on Christmas. Next year, trade holidays. It might not be ideal for either parent, but if the pattern is consistent, it can make figuring out family celebrations much easier and more predictable.
• Tip #2: Celebrate Holidays Early/Late: When holidays are celebrated separately, both parents are going to have to get creative about dates. Thanksgiving with dad might have to be a week before or after the actual holiday while Christmas with mom might have to be on New Year’s Eve. Holidays are not about the actual day, but more about family time. When you keep that in mind, you can be more flexible with your celebration dates. 
• Tip #3: Create New Traditions: Holidays aren’t the same, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. One family got through the holiday season by creating new traditions. Before the divorce, the family liked to open one present on Christmas Eve and the rest on Christmas morning. After the divorce, the kids opened their presents with dad on Christmas Eve and with mom on Christmas Day. The new tradition was similar enough to the old one to satisfy the children, but different enough to start a new trend. 
• Tip #4: Spend Holidays Together: Not all separation and divorce situations are contentious. If the parents get along well enough and can act in a civil manner, you might consider spending the holidays together as a family. It will show the children you are still a family, even if the adults don’t live together anymore.

 
Managing the emotions of holidays

Starting with the first year
It is OK, even important, to acknowledge that “something has changed this year” as families go through the first holidays following separations.  Each parent can play a role to help create a new, personalized tradition that honors the old traditions.

Parents’ reflections 
It is healthy for parents to spend some time sorting out their own expectation, hopes and fears for the holidays.  Parents are likely to have strong feelings about the other parent.  The first year is tough. This is a time for parents to have low expectations while maintaining a “let’s make the best of it” attitude.

Experiences at the other home 
Parents respect their kids’ need for privacy by not asking probing questions about the other parent’s home.  However, kids may want to discuss their holiday experiences and they will feel comfortable if they are free to do so.  The kids’ holiday experience is an amalgam of all the events.  When kids feel free to discuss their experiences at the other home, it helps them integrate their own personal holiday memories.  
 
Holiday don’ts

No surprises 
Introduction of surprises or emotionally charged information is best delayed until a quieter time.  For example, introducing new friends or partners to the kids at holiday times borders on overload and threatens the stability of the holiday celebration.  Sharing of important news, such as moving, should occur as much as possible prior to the holidays or may need to wait until after.  When parents keep in mind the child’s point of view during holidays, they can avoid bad perceptions of otherwise good news. 
No issues 
Refrain from the temptation to use holiday drop-off and pick-up times to review past problems and areas of tension.  Parents can easily project their own feelings onto their child.  

Living in Two Homes: The Back to School Adjustment

Separation and divorce bring with it many unique challenges for children, and one of the biggest is how to manage school while moving back and forth between households.  Just when you and your kids think you have a good routine going, the seasons change and you’re suddenly faced with the need for a new plan.  Even in the most organized of households, back to school time is a challenge.   When your kids call more than one place home, what can you do to help keep things as sane as possible for everyone?

Consider establishing  headquarters

Even if your child spends roughly the same amount of time at each parent’s home, you may find it helpful to designate one home as the “papers central” location, with the agreement that all pertinent information is shared appropriately between parents.  School notices, forms to fill out, fundraising requests…you know the pile.  That doesn’t mean one parent is in charge of filling it all out, just organizing it!  And homework is a different matter.

Set up a Homework Station

Kids need to have a designated school-related work area in each home to help them concentrate and get down to work no matter where they are. That station could be a desk in their bedroom or a spot at the kitchen counter – it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s theirs (and reasonably free of distractions).  Let them help choose the area and arrange it as much as possible.  Having a dedicated spot in each home helps kids to settle and know what to do when homework rolls in.

Equip the Backpack

Since kids have their backpacks with them every day, no matter which home they’re staying at, it seems like the most obvious spot to keep the things they can’t do without.  Sometimes this means more than homework-related items that they’ll need at both homes; on transition days, it may include the clothes and security items needed to move from one home to another.  Be sensitive not to overload them on these days – keep it to the essentials!

Value of Predictability in the Schedule

As much as it’s possible, it is beneficial to the kids when certain routines are consistent between households.  For example, if the rule at dad’s house is that you do your homework before you go out to play or have screen time, it’s nice if the rule at mom’s house is the same and will help kids acclimate to the school transition after summer break.  However, parenting styles vary and even when rules at one home are different from rules at the other home, kids adjust as long as parents are consistent within their own home.  Predictability in a child’s routine frees them from the constant anxiety that can result from not knowing what is happening next or what is expected of them.

Parental Cooperation

Here’s the most important one.  The school year for your children will be infinitely more successful if their parents are able to respectfully communicate with one another.  Civility in exchanging school items, clothes, toys, and other essentials is paramount, as is being upbeat, on time, and cordial during pick-ups and drop-offs. Frequent updates between parents about what’s going on at school are essential in terms of keeping both mom and dad feeling empowered and involved.  Make sure your children’s teachers know that you live separately but are both interested in knowing what goes on in the classroom.  Explain whether you need announcements mailed to each of you or if you have one designated receiver-of-information.  Consider using an online organizer such as www.OurFamilyWizard.com to help centralize information that you both need access to, and minimize the potential for miscommunications.

In the end, the goal is simply for your children to enjoy school and apply themselves to learning and having fun, not worrying about whether or not they forgot something and who is picking them up after school.  The more parents can do to eliminate the potential for these anxieties, the better off the whole family will be.

If you and your partner have decided that your relationship has reached its end, one of your biggest concerns is the children involved in the situation. How will they react? Will they understand? Depending on the ages of the children, it may even be hard for them to grasp the concept of divorce. Here are a few tips to discussing separation and divorce with your kids.

-Use the Team Approach
​Even though you are separating, you still need to approach important moments with your child as a team whenever possible.  Show a united front so that your child understands the divorce is coming from both sides and make sure you emphasize that you will BOTH continue to be involved in parenting decisions in the future.



-Keep it Basic
Children do not have to know all the details when it comes to your divorce. In fact, too many details can burden them with stressful loyalty binds; keeping it simple is better for them in the long run. Tell them that their parents will no longer live in the same house, but that you both still love them very much. Keep any drama and fighting off the table and speak without anger.

-Forget Blame
Push aside what happened in the marital relationship and avoid reasons for the split. Parents need to think through their words before approaching the child and use neutral, blame-free language. You don’t want the child to blame one parent or the other or, worse yet, himself. The child will likely ask why and you can simply tell him that this was a difficult decision to make, but sometimes adults are no longer happy living together and when they can’t work it out, they need to make the choice to separate.

-Allow Emotions
Kids needs to know that being sad is okay and even normal. Admit to your own sadness about the end of your relationship and help the kids understand that the family needs to move forward together in a different way.

-Non-Changing Reminders
Children will likely be anxious about the changes on the horizon so remind them about what will stay the same. Tell your children that even though their parents won’t be living with each other anymore, you are still their parents, just like their grandparents and cousins and friends will stay the same.  Your love for them will never change.  Stressing the constancy of this bond will help kids transition more easily.

-Use Examples
If your family knows another family that has gone through a divorce and is managing it well, use their experience as an example. Referencing people in the news and entertainment industries who’ve faced similar challenges can also help normalize divorce for your kids, helping them understand that this happens to many people and those people go on to lead happy, healthy lives.

Divorce is never a simple issue to address, but with advance planning and careful thought, you can make the topic as clear and easy on your children as possible.

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By Mary M. Swann, Associate Director of Kids First Center, a non-profit agency that works to lessen the negative impact of divorce and separation on children
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Let’s talk for a minute about the family unit.  If you had to define it, what would you say? 

Today, it is unlikely that any two people would describe that term the same way. There was a time, however, when it was assumed that the ideal family unit consisted of a husband and wife and their biological children all living together under one roof.  Social and legal incentives abound, still, to encourage its perpetuation, and membership within it carries a subtle privilege.

But we know that the family unit has evolved from this narrow and exclusive grouping to something that is harder to define.  That neat little box can no longer contain the reality that is the 21st century family.   According to a recent Pew Research Center study, only 46% of American children are now born into families with two married, heterosexual parents in their first marriage, as compared to 73% in 1960.  And 41% of American children are now born outside of marriage, compared to 5% in 1960.  Other studies estimate that between 1 and 9 million children in the U.S. have at least one parent who is lesbian or gay, compared to 1960 when most gay parents were still closeted.

But where does all this evolution in the family leave the children?  Here at Kids First Center, our focus is on supporting families in transition and lessening the negative impact of divorce, separation and recoupling on children. We see drawings coming out of kids support groups that would both lift your spirits and break your heart.  When asked to draw a picture of their family, a few kids will depict some version of a bright sun shining down on one group of smiling parents and kids and pets and new, sometimes same-sex, partners, with simply two houses in the background instead of one.  Others might draw two very separate households, each with a parent inside, and themselves standing smack dab in the middle of the lonely space between them.  And then others create scenes depicting tornadoes and invisibility cloaks and unhappy faces, with parents as far away from each other as they can possibly fit them.

It has been said that the external struggles of parents become the internal struggles of their children.  Warring mothers and fathers who badmouth one another in front of their children seldom realize the negative effect that such denigration of their child’s bloodline has on their child’s sense of self-worth.  Our children’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships of their own is heavily influenced by the good-or-bad-behavior modeling of their parents, together or apart. 
The same simple concept can be applied to our society at large when considering the ways in which we influence the identities and self-esteem of future generations and equip them to face the challenges of their times.  The power that we possess can be intoxicating!   Concepts like sexism and racism must be taught and, sadly, often are.  Beliefs about sexual preference and the right to discriminate based on arbitrary criteria are often passed down through generations, creating hardened adults who have little insight into why they react so negatively toward certain other human beings.

And when our politicians, religious leaders, educators, friends, and relatives continually hark back to the family values of yesterday, they are planting the seed in the hearts of innocent children everywhere that they are less.  The kids whose parents are divorced, gay, unwed, or absent – these kids begin to believe that they themselves are somehow lacking.  A cloud forms, and our society’s external struggle becomes our children’s internal one.
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And so, amid all the difficult situations that this country is facing – heightened racial tensions, violence at home and abroad, climate change and marriage equality – one of them just got easier.  This week’s landmark Supreme Court decision over the right for gay people to marry was a step in the right direction for the American family.  The children of these unions deserve nothing less than the right to feel like their family is normal.  To feel like the society in which they are raised values their family every bit as much as it values those with heterosexual parents, supports their parents’ legal marriage, and roots for them to stay together.  And if their parents can’t stay together, these kids deserve to feel like that’s normal too, and just another part of the evolving family landscape that a society rich in tolerance and well versed in the language of acceptance can absorb.
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by Laura Lifshitz
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Let's talk about co-parenting, frankly.  It can be an amazing thing when you and your ex see eye to eye about yourchild.  When the two of you pick up on the same little tricks and pranks your kids are trying to pull on you both or perhaps share the firsts in your little ones' lives, it can make you think, "Wow, divorce is not so bad.  We can do this."  And then there are the frustrating moments....

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