Tips for Parents

How to Tell the Kids, By Maggie Salter, PhD, Clinical Psychologist

For parents who are divorcing, the hardest task is how to tell their children about the impending divorce. Mediation provides a forum for parents to discuss the concepts and practicalities that will allow the parents to do this in a caring way and give the children an opportunity to digest the changes and express their feelings. Ideally, the parents will agree to tell the children together. This demonstrates that the parents will co-operate in taking care of the children and that both parents will remain involved with the children. Even if one parent has already told the children or one parent has moved out, they should sit down with their children together to talk about what the divorce will mean to all of them. All the children should be told at the same time; they will support and comfort each other in a way no one else can. It is not fair to isolate one child with "secret" news about the divorce that cannot be shared with other siblings.

Although there is no good time for bad news, parents should select a time when everyone is usually home and will not be running off to school, work or sports. Everyone needs time to process what will be said. Staying home for awhile afterwards also demonstrates that the feelings are not so scary or dangerous that they drive someone out or banish someone.

Parents might start off saying something like, "you've probably noticed a lot of arguing or tension lately, and we have decided to get a divorce." Parents should assure the children that they still love them, and that parents do not divorce their children. Parents should be extremely clear that this is a decision between the grown-ups and it is not the children's fault. There is nothing the children did to cause the divorce; neither is there anything the children could have done to prevent it. Parents should explain that most kids feel sad and angry when they can't live with both parents at once. They will probably feel that way also, and they should talk about their feelings.

Children will want to know what changes will be happening: who will they live with and where, how often and when will they see the other parent, will they have to change schools or leave friends. If these decisions have been made, parents should tell the children. Parents should say that they will let the children know about the other arrangements as soon as they are made. Parents should not discuss money, debts, legal issues or other adult dilemmas with the children.

Parents could point out that this is a tough time for everyone and they will be available when their children want to talk about their feelings. The children should be asked if there is anything they want to say. Parents must be prepared to hear that the children are angry with them for not working things out. They can say that they tried to work things out but should not go into allegations of blame or criticism of each other. Parents can admit their own sadness at the break-up of the marriage, but assure children that both parents still love the children and will always be actively involved in their lives.

Talking with your Children about Remarriage, By Terri DeCoster Grasso

If you have decided to remarry, it is important to engage your children in a thoughtful conversation, understanding that they will have many and varied concerns about what this will mean to their lives. Just as when you divorced, you should plan a time and place for a discussion that will provide a comfortable and safe place for your children to express themselves. The first time you bring the subject up, you should tell all the children at the same time so there are no inconsistent messages or interpretations. Call the other biological parent either just before or immediately after you tell the children, and tell your children that their other biological parent knows.

You should expect that each of your children will have different questions, feelings and reactions when telling them about your plans to re-marry. Respond to each of them in the most honest way possible. If you don't have an answer, say so. Here are some of the most important messages to convey during your conversations:

• Both of your parents will continue to love you just the same as before.
• You will still spend about the same amount of time with each of your parents (if true.) (If not true, explain, but provide lots of reassurance as you do so.)
• This may feel exciting sometimes and hard at other times. That happens to most kids. It probably will help if you tell adults how you are feeling about the changes.
• I always want to hear about these changes and how they are affecting you, even if you think I won't like what you have to say.
• In the end, you will have more people who care about you than you did before.
• Acknowledge feelings, always, even if they do not seem rationally based.
• Acknowledge disruptions in your children's lives, but offer strong statements of security to minimize those disruptions.
• You will make mistakes. That's okay. Get back to saying and doing the things you should and avoid the things you should not. Apologize to your children for your errors.